Things I’ve Learned About Re-Entry

It’s time for a list.  I’ve been back from Costa Rica for over a month now, and as I’ve been navigating this particularly difficult time, I’ve been really learning a lot about saying goodbye, saying hello again, and all the emotions and frustrations that are such a big part of the re-entry experience.  Here are a few of the things I’ve gathered over the last month or two, which are good advice for life in general, but specifically for other missionaries and their loved ones at home.

To the returning traveller:

• When you say goodbye, do it right.  Saying goodbye at the end of my year was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced, but one of the most special.  Be extravagant, be lavish with your goodbyes.  Give hugs and gifts and serenades, throw parties and cry lots and lots and lots, and share kind words and write letters and take lots of pictures.  Do it well because it’s the part you’ll remember the clearest and longest.
• Traveller, be patient with your family.  It’s been a struggle for both parties, and things might be awkward for a while.  You might not know what to say, which questions to ask, or how to answer.  Give a little grace.
• Re-entry is re-entry, no matter how small.  Whether you were gone a week or a year or ten years, re-entry is a process and it will take time.  Be patient if you don’t just fit right back in where you left off.  You’ll get there.  And “there” might look a bit different than you’d expected, but that’s okay.
• Unpacking a year of your life is freaking hard.  It took me a whole month to get the stinking suitcase out of my bedroom.  Even if you’re not a sentimental person, it’s hard.
• Everything will be different.  You’ll feel like while you were gone, everyone turned your world upside down without your permission.  And they did.  But that’s okay and normal.  Just remember that you’ll be different too, so while you’re sitting there bug-eyed and hyperventilating because everything is so different, remember that your family and friends probably feel the same way about you.
• It’s okay to cry yourself to sleep sometimes.  Let it happen when it needs to.
• Be more thankful.  Take time to appreciate every person who made your mission possible, from the prayers to the finances and everything else.  Love on some people.
• It’s okay to rest.  That’s my biggest struggle right now, because I’m not in school yet, I’m still trying to work out the job situation, and I feel like a lazy bum.  Mum keeps reminding me to enjoy this rest time, but it’s driving me insane and I feel so empty without places to go and a tight schedule like I used to have.  She keeps telling me, “it’s okay to rest.”  So while I struggle to take that advice, let me pass it on to you.

To the friends and family back home:

• Family, be patient with your newly-arrived missionary.  See above.
• Don’t tell me you “know exactly how I feel.”  You don’t, I promise.  Even if you had the same experience as me, for the same length of time and everything, each person handles it differently.  Thanks for trying to understand, but you can’t.  And that’s okay.
• “How was your trip?” is the very hardest question to answer.  Because it wasn’t a trip.  It was a year of my life.  I moved myself and my life to Costa Rica, and then I moved it all back.  When you ask me how my trip was, the only thing I know how to say is, “it was great.”  So if that’s the answer you’re looking for, ask away.
• Know that you’re appreciated.  Even when I don’t give you the thanks that you deserve, know that you mean the world to me and my heart is immensely grateful.
• Let me revel in my tan while it lasts!  Even though my very darkest tan is about equal in tone to your winter pallor, just smile and nod and let me enjoy it (if you want extra brownie points, you can even make an unforeseen remark about how sun-kissed I look). 😉

So that’s all I’ve got for now.  I’ve been gathering this list for a good while, and decided it’s finally time to write it down and share it.  Maybe nobody will really care, but my hope is that this advice makes the transition just a little bit easier for one person that reads it.

In other news, FIVE DAYS TILL UGANDA, GUYS!

Sitting on the airport floor.

June 18th–the day I first called Costa Rica home.  The first day of my biggest, hardest, craziest, most exciting, most special year yet.  The day my adventure began.

And now this chapter has found its end.  I’m sitting in the airport, halfway between my home and my other home, having said goodbye to one family and about to say hello to the other.

Yesterday I cried a lot.  It was just a normal Monday–I went to people’s houses, chatted with people in the street.  I said all my goodbyes that I needed to say.

Then at night I was just unwinding after a hard day of goodbyes when the doorbell rang.  I went to answer, and there were Nanis and Tutis and Kevin and Cristian and Macho and Daniel and Andres and Rachel and Caleb and the whole word at me door.  So we sat outside on the steps for a couple of hours and talked and ate food and drank Coke, and it’s those little things that I’ll miss more than anything.

Then today I had so much packing to do (because I’ve been a slacker), but I barely had time to pack at all because more people came up to say goodbye and everything.  Rodney and Cindy came, Macho came, Daniel came, Kevin came, Nanis came, Chino came, and even Luis came (I’d thought I wouldn’t see him again, but then he showed up at the door!).  It was so hard to say goodbye to those guys–they’re some of my very best friends and I already started missing them the minute I got in the car to leave.

with Luis and Daniel(:

Anyway, so here I am. 

My flight is delayed a couple of hours, so I’ve got time to kill.  I’m annoyed because now that I’ve left Costa Rica, I want nothing more than to just get this over with and be in Virginia.

I spent the first leg of my flight crying.  I pretty much cried the entire flight.  It wasn’t pretty.  But I think I’m done with tears for now.  I think I’m too tired to cry.

Right now I feel very strange and very alone.  I’m sitting in a little corner watching people’s feet walk right by me, and everyone is speaking English, and everyone looks like me and talks like me and all, and it’s weird.  I’m chatting with July on facebook, so that helps.  I don’t feel quite so alone having someone to talk to (in Spanish).

A little kid just ran by, with a backpack and a rolling bag, both bigger than he was.  So cute.

I love people watching in airports.

I kind of want a froofy fluffy “coffee” drink from Starbucks.  

It’s so cold in here I’m shaking.  

To the guy across the hall from me: you don’t have to yell into your bluetooth headset.  Nobody else wants to be a part of that conversation. (Oh good, now he’s standing right by me, practically on top of me.  Move along.)

Okay, I’m going to go now.  Maybe I’ll catch a quick nap before my flight.

Not too much longer now.

The Most Special Birthday

As of yesterday, I’m now 18.  And thanks to some very, very special people, it was my greatest and most memorable birthday yet.  I thought I’d cry lots, but I was too full of love and joy.  (Today, however, is a different story.)

This post will have lots of pictures 🙂

I started off the day at church–my last church service here.  I’ll miss my Viña Anonos family so so much.  It’s sort of crazy to think that my next Sunday will be with my old church family which will become my new church family.

at church (:

After church, July and Jose took Jessie and me to Hatillo to spend Father’s Day with July’s parents and the big family.

With July’s parents and siblings.

There was much dancing, much laughter, and MUCH food.  I got to meet the family, the aunts and uncles and cousins, and Abraham and Daniel’s grandmother, who is precious.  And–wonder of wonders–I did dance.

Daniel, Jessie, and Juliana–my adoptive siblings 🙂

Afterwards, Jessie and I came back to the house and we had Father’s Day dinner with our little family here.  We exchanged little gifts and had some awesome food, and then headed down to my goodbye party.
Everyone took turns telling me what I meant to them, and while I wasn’t quite sure what to do with all of the sweet and emotional mini-speeches, it was really special.  And actually, I can’t say I made it through the entire day without crying–when Dago’s turn came and he started crying and couldn’t even finish, I sort of lost it.
But anyway, that was really special.  I’ll remember everything that was said to me yesterday and treasure it.

Evelin (:

Then they all gathered around and prayed for me, which was my favourite part of the night.

David even Skyped in from Ohio for a little bit, which was complete chaos, but it was good to see him one more time.  Everyone here is ready to have him back!  Two more days.
Then came the birthday cake…they sang Happy Birthday in Spanish, realised that nobody had lit the candles, lit them, sang again, and then smashed my face into the cake.

After the cake, everyone wanted pictures with me, and tomfoolery was had by all.  And then came the most important part–the egging.  It’s tradition here, when it’s someone’s birthday, to smash eggs and flour on their head.  So of course they wanted to get me…and get me they did.  It took forever to get all that out of my hair!

So that was my big huge 18th-birthday-going-away day.  I received so many gifts, I don’t know how I’ll fit them all in my suitcase.  But for a girl whose first love language is gifts, I pretty much feel like the most loved and special person on earth.

Now today is my last day here in Costa Rica…though I managed to keep it together for the most part yesterday, I know today will be a bit harder.

Here we go.

A List of Things

June 18th is still coming.  Time hasn’t stopped yet, FYI.  Cindy shared with me the following list of questions to ask myself and reflect on over the next four days, and I wanted to share the abbreviated version.

1. As I return to the United States, I feel everything. Mostly sad.  But excited. And a little scared too.
2. I will be going back to my family whom I’ve missed so much, and a church family who loves me.  Exciting summer travel plans.  Lots of big changes which sometimes seem too big and daunting to face.
3. Going back will enable me to start nursing school and begin the next chapter of my life.
4. Regarding money, I will be jobless and short on cash, but thankfully moving back in with parents who will care for me for a little while yet 🙂
5. I think the hardest part of going back for me will be leaving behind my Costa Rica family.  And adjusting to the changes that have taken place in my family, friends, church, and most of all myself.  Everything will be different and I find that terrifying.  Also I’m irrationally scared of losing my fluency in Spanish when I move back to the US.
6. I think the easiest part of going back will be simply resting my tired mind, body, and spirit to get ready for what’s to come.  Also, living in a country that speaks my native language–going to the grocery store and having it be easy.
7. I cannot wait to unpack my things and re-establish myself.  Also see my family and friends.  And be able to drive again 🙂
8. I think the return home will be trying.  My family and friends might not know how to deal with me–heck, I won’t know how to deal with myself.
9. I expect the reception from my family will be joyful and exciting.  We can’t just pick up right where we left off a year ago, but it’ll be different in a good way.
10. I anticipate my church to be receptive and excited.  Maybe a little different than the way I left it–it’ll take time to re-integrate myself.  But I’ve missed them.
11. I picture my friends to be totally different.  Maybe things will be hard at first.  Like I said about my family, we won’t just pick up where we left off.  But we’ll still be friends and I’m excited to have that again.
12. I expect my family to give lots of hugs, ask lots of questions, have stories to tell.  It’ll take a while for me to re-integrate there as well, but we’ll work it out.
13. I am looking forward to travelling with the family, preparing for school to start, and getting a job.

I’m slowly realising that this is a much bigger deal to me than it is to anyone else.  I’m starting to understand that while my life is falling apart and coming together again, pretty much everyone else’s is just moving on.
My people here are going to miss me.  My people in the States are excited to have me back.  But as for me, I’m being completely torn in half in the worst way.  As you can probably tell from the list, I’m somewhere between saying, “bring it on,” and crawling under a rock.

But ready or not, here it comes.

Mission “Try to fit a year’s worth of junk in one suitcase” is officially underway.

The Week of Lasts

It’s officially begun.  My final week in Costa Rica.  The 52nd week.  Days 358-365.  The last days.

Yesterday was my last day of Las Gallinas (our Tuesday-afternoon women’s group).  They put on a huge surprise party for me with cake and arroz con pollo and balloons and presents galore, and I felt so special.  I cried and laughed and took a bazillion pictures with the ladies I’ve come to love so very dearly…I’ll miss them.

A few of my gallinas ❤

Then afterwards I had my last English class with my Tuesday group.  It’s been a beautiful, hectic, frustrating, laughter-filled few months with those ladies, and I’ll miss hearing “teacher, teacher!” in their cute little English-learning accents.  I’m immensely thankful for Mariana, the girl who’ll be taking my place–I met her yesterday and I know she’ll do a great job.
So I made cookies for our last class together, and gave each student a little pair of earrings I’d made.  Then we all held hands and they prayed for me, and I can’t put into words how grateful I was for that.  Many tears were shed (mostly by me, but the others too), and hugs were shared.  I’m thankful for the opportunity I had to teach those ladies, and I pray that they’ll keep pressing on.

Norma, Andrea, Noilyn, Seidy, me, and Vanesa–my students (:

Then last night I went to go watch the Costa Rica vs. Mexico soccer match with a bunch of friends, and I realised that that may very well be my last match I’ll watch here with that group of friends.  I might even start watching soccer in the States, just for nostalgia’s sake 😉
Lots of antics were had by all, and I’m thankful for that time I got to spend just hanging out with my best friends here.

So I’ve had to go through a bunch of “lasts” this final week, and I’m only one day into it!  Tonight will be my last Wednesday-night Bible study, tomorrow my last La Roca meeting, and the list keeps going on…but listing them all is depressing me, so I’ll stop there.

This week also happens to be my last week as a child–I turn 18 on Sunday.  Everyone is planning a huge giant birthday/going away party for me on Sunday night, and I’m a little apprehensive as there has been mention of dancing and egging…oh dear.  But I’m excited to spend that special day with some of my favourite people, dancing or not.

My actual birthday isn’t till Sunday, but las Gallinas gave me a party a little bit early (:

Eight

Well, it’s Monday again.  This one definitely got away from me, but it’s only 8:00 here so I’ve still got time.

I’m still feeling good…Tuesday I took a nosedive, but I’ve been on the mend ever since and I’m pretty much back to normal now.  It took long enough though…

I’ve been staying good and busy…I’ve barely had any downtime at all, but I’m glad for that–I need to keep going or else I’ll lose it.  I’ve been visiting people all over the place, giving glasses to the whole world, running errands, and praying with people.  I finished the purse that I was sewing and have now moved on to an apron; I hope I can finish it before I leave!  Seidy’s been so very patient with me, and I’m so thankful for the time I’ve gotten to spend with her sewing together.  I love her.

So then Friday I spent the day sewing, visiting, and doing eye exams, then I went to youth group–my very last youth group meeting ever.  Of course I cried.  My friends are so good to me, and they make me feel so loved and blessed.  They then proceeded to sign my shirt, and that night when I took it off and read what they had written, I cried more.
After youth group we all walked up to the youth leader’s house on the other side of Anonos to watch the Costa Rica vs Honduras soccer match, along with pizza and cake and lots of laughter.  It was partly to watch the match together, and partly a celebration/goodbye for me, which made me feel so special.

Sometimes I wonder what I’ve done to deserve so much love in my life.  And then when I realise I don’t deserve it, that makes it all the more special.  My heart is so full.

Then Saturday I spent all day down at the church for a castration clinic put on by a vet from Escazú, and 80-something cats and dogs were brought in to be fixed.  I’m not an animal person, but it was a good day and I’m thankful for the people who made it possible.  It was a blessing to all the pet owners of the community, and I’m thankful for the small part I was able to play in that.

Sunday I spent the whole afternoon over at July’s, and we baked brownies and ate lunch and took funny pictures and spent hours crammed into Daniel’s little bedroom watching funny youtube videos.

Daniel and Abraham–they tease, annoy, and love on me like adoptive big brothers (:

Also Sunday night Tito arrived home from work with the idea that he wanted to gauge his ears, so guess who got to do the honours?  That’s right, this girl.  And I did a pretty good job of it too, I might add.  Another one of those “how did this become my life” moments…but I’ll miss crazy moments like that.

Piercing Tito’s ears O.o

Then today I went with July and Daniel over to Santa Ana to buy a birthday present for my mother, and then I went into San José with Tito to do some other errands.  I stopped by my favourite jewellery vendor at the artisan’s market to say goodbye; it was good to see him one last time…he’s such a sweet person.  Then it began to pour torrentially, so Tito and I crammed under my itty bitty umbrella and ran from awning to awning down the streets of San José.  We got soaked.  But it was a good time and I found everything I needed.  We then stopped at the central market to warm up with some gallo pinto and coffee before heading home.  Another one of those things I’ll miss.

If you’re reading this, I’d like you to pray for my friend Evelin.  She has three daughters and lives in an unstable house with myriad problems and issues, and then on top of that she was given a month to be out of that house but has nowhere else to go. So she’s scared, stressed, and just pretty much a mess.  Her significant other is always having health problems, neither of them can find reliable work, and they still have to provide for their growing daughters.  So just be praying for them–for peace more than anything else, but also for a better place to live and food for their table.

Also for one of my English students, who recently informed me that her mother’s been diagnosed with cancer and it’s not looking good…she had to drop out of my English class but I still see her all the time, and she’s just really taking it rough.  I can tell she’s physically and emotionally exhausted, and needs an extra measure of peace right now.

So that’s what’s up.

I’m struggling lots.  The closer June 18th comes, the harder this gets.  I’m excited to get back and see my family again, to hug my mother and go shopping with my sister and spend the night with my grandparents like old times.
But I’m so very deeply attached here, and with every day that passes I get more and more attached.  It can’t be helped.  But it’s killing me.
Knowing that I have one week left is so hard, because half of me wants to just pull back and shrink into myself to save us all the pain of goodbyes, but the other half of me sees the value in spending time with these people while I still can.  And that half is winning out, but it hurts.
I’m having to cling to God now more than ever…but even when I’m clinging to him, that doesn’t mean this doesn’t hurt.  I’m doing the best I can…he will carry me, I know he will.  But it’s still hard.

Everyone is giving me little gifts, telling me not to forget them.  And that hurts more than anything else, because how could I ever forget these people, this place, this year of my life?  I don’t need necklaces and t-shirts and drawings to help me remember these people.  They’re in my heart and always will be.
And yet, as a person whose first love language is gifts, I’m the happiest girl alive because of the gifts and outpourings of love I’m receiving.  Everyone is so good to me and I can’t contain the love I feel.

Bring on the final week.

Taylor Swift has temporarily taken my place as big sister…one more week and you get the boot, Taylor.